I’m not sure where I stand on this Julian Assange and Wikileaks issue, but I do know that I never thought cables would be a subject that would grab the world’s attention.
I thought cables were objects that went across oceans or were sent from quaint Post offices or contained the news of a soldier’s death in World War I, not a way our masters communicated so-called secret information.
So I think all of this is a bit fishy. What if this is all a huge conspiracy? That there are no cables, there are no leaks, this is just some tomfoolery hatched up BETWEEN Julian Assange and the world’s countries and corporations? Yes, I’m saying that Julian Assange and his thin, thin hair is working for the enemy… he’s a spy.
I think that has to be the case. Cables, for God’s sake. If they were secret Twitter accounts or privacy-protected Facebook (er, sorry, privacy-protected, Facebook, what was I thinking?) pages or something a little 2.0 or even 3.0 then I’d believe it.
Then it’s the whistle-blowers themselves. Even that phrase is a little dodgy. It makes me think of Dixon of Dock Green Police blowing whistles on peasouper London nights while the poor newspaper-seller yells out ‘Classified, classified!’, not as a way of selling the late night edition, but of spilling ye olde beans.
So, Wikileaks is all a big con. Assange has been arrested and kept in Wandsworth nick so he can further allude with the authorities to keep this big blag going. He’ll get out next week, charges against him will be dropped and there’ll be a few more ‘leaks’ and then we can all go home knowing that we are safe after all.
For the hackers or ‘social mediaists’ who have pulled themselves away from masturbating in beds paid for their parents and are trying to put Amazon and PayPal out of business should heed this warning. They’re all part of the conspiracy if they do that. Turn again, turn again, Dick Whittington of code, turn again!
As for Assange himself, if he is outed as a classic fifth columnist then he really will be in a tricky spot as everybody will now want to kill him, not just the Raving Monster Loony Party* (*right-wing republicans).
Perhaps it will even be Vince Cable, the UK Government Minister who I understand some students (who like hackers, also spend a lot of time under the covers of beds paid for their parents) are upset with, who fires the final shot.
After all, it can’t be much fun spending all this years waiting for his name to be famous… and then all this other silly cables come along. Believe me, I may be on to something here. Mmm, Vince Cable kills the cable guy, I like the idea of that.
Monty Munford has more than 15 years' experience in mobile, digital media, web and journalism. He is the founder of Mob76, a company that helps tech companies raise money and exit. He speaks regularly at global media events with a focus on Africa, writes a weekly column for The Telegraph, is a regular contributor to The Economist, Wired, Mashable and speaks regularly on the BBC World Service.
